so picture this face and burn it to flake.

To: Dr. Naomi Graves <gravesnao@ch.gov>
From: Cole Leary <learycol@ch.gov>
Date: Monday, May 1, 2006 4:44 PM
Subject: Regarding my payment for this month

Dr. Graves,
I'm sorry to be bothering you, but I'm.. well, I'm concerned about how I will be paying for my stay here. I contacted Dr. Thahn-le and she told me to get in touch with you. So... here I am.

I recently received a bank statement, which said a good amount of money was withdrawn from my account. I know it wasn't a bill or anything, because I have no bills to pay and if it was Cherry Hollow that had withdrawn it, it would have said so. I have a feeling that my ex is still co-signed to the account, even though I thought I'd had her name removed. Like me, she is a heroin user, so that would be the reason. I've asked Dr. Thahn-le to look into rerouting the account for me, but it still doesn't help my current situation. I'm not sure I'll be able to afford payment for this month, or any time after. Would you be able to find me some sort of assistance option? Dr. Thahn-le said you could.

Thanks in advance,
Cole

Today I spent most of the day in my room, because I'm just too anxious and wound up. I haven't been sleeping all that great lately, mainly because my mind keeps going even when I'm ready to pass out.

I keep trying to figure out why I can't trust people, who I can or can't trust, and in the end it just drives me crazy. Every time I think I'll be able to get close to someone, I just freak out and seclude myself even more. I know I do it to Mari all the time, I wonder if I ever did it to Cheryl?

Everything I wanted to be for her, turns out I'm not. So I don't think I can be that for anyone else. I'm not even sure I should trust my own doctor.

( private )

I got my bank statement today, it seems there's an awful lot of money missing that I didn't touch. I can't remember if Cheryl is still co-signed to it, but it was probably her. Which leads me to thinking she's still using smack.

Which brings me to another problem: With such low funds, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for this place. I don't know if I'll be able to stay and if I can't, I don't know where I'm going to go. I'd like to leave but I know I'm not ready.

I need to talk to her.

From: Cole Leary [learycol@ch.gov]
To: Franz Wesenbeek [wesenbeek@ch.gov]
Date: April 25th 2006 8:52 PM
Subject: medication

( Read more... )

To: Mari [badelasmar@ch.gov]
From: Cole [learycol@ch.gov]
Date: April 25, 2006 8:30p
Subject: RE: Sorry it's been so long


( email to Mari )

I know I'm supposed to use this for 'therapeutic' purposes, but I've never wanted to bore anyone with my shit. Still, I know Doc Wesenwhatever is probably reading this, along with Doc Graves and everybody else, but whatever.

Easter was Cheryl's favorite holiday. I don't even know why, really, neither of us are very religious. Nevermind Christian. But she liked to cook us all up a big dinner, sometimes we'd even take the boys to her parents' place for dinner. Two years ago today she told me she was pregnant. I still blame her for the miscarriage, she refused to stop the smack and if it weren't for that our kid would be walking and talking about now. Yeah, I don't really want to be a father now but back then I did. Things would have changed, we would have given up the shit we were doing and we could have had a family.

So they say today is all about new beginnings. I haven't had any sort of a beginning in a long time and don't expect to. I've pretty much decided I can never have anything with her again, but it doesn't mean I don't think about it. At first I wanted to clean up just for her, but I don't even know where the fuck she is. Or how she's doing. Probably still on the smack, sleeping with cheap assholes who could give a shit less about her. I need something to hope for, but I can't stand the thought of it all being for nothing. Or the thought of being alone. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Sunday morning at the institution. A lot better than Sunday morning in the hospital, I guess. Being able to walk around is a hell of a lot better than being strapped down to your bed.

I'm Cole, by the way. Looking forward to meeting the rest of you. Maybe someone can tell me what's up with the music room. Anybody play an instrument, preferably guitar? Maybe we can jam sometime.